The Next Chapter...

¡Saludos! I know an update is well over-due... The reason I haven't posted anything new is that I have been very busy struggling to put into words what has happened over the past 2 months of my life. I will attempt to share a little bit of the story with you, but forgive me if my English fails to due it justice – these are matters of the heart, and can rarely be conveyed by words alone...

Nearly half a year ago, I set out on a quest to find a new place in the world to call “home”. I have left once or twice before, seeking to experience all the wonderful people and places in this world, and looking for a deeper meaning beyond myself. My travels have taken me to many different places, and the experiences have been vast and varied, challenging my worldview, and shaping the person that I am today. With this same intention to learn and grow, I started on this journey last December.

As I set out on my course, I had the sensation that this trip needed to be different. Tired of traveling just for the sake of it, I wanted much more from this experience than another exotic adventure. Although I thoroughly enjoyed visiting friends in Mexico, hitting up the beach, salsa dancing in Cuba, and the luxury of doing whatever I wanted, the gnawing feeling that something was missing just kept growing... I tried to continue on as usual, enjoying every moment of the quest I was on – the people, the places, the fun. Yet I could not. Plenty of things entertained me for a moment, but they no longer satisfied the deeper places of my heart. Internally, there was a war waging. Part of me yearning for something greater than myself; and a part of me just seeking to enjoy life and silence the cry for anything more. If my passions for people, for dance, for beach, and for travel were not enough to quench my thirst, then I didn't know what would be...

I began to wrestle with these thoughts, pondering the motives and meaning behind my actions, and what it was I truly wanted to live for. Realizing there was a discrepancy in the way I was living, and the beliefs I claimed, I began to wonder why. I claimed to believe in the God of the Bible, but yet, my decisions were controlled by a passion to enjoy life; not a passion to obey God. I knew I was heading for a breaking point; a time when a choice has to be made...

I was tired when I reached Puerto Rico. Tired from physical strain and activity, and tired of the endless barrage of thoughts that invaded my mind... I knew I had to be very intentional; nothing was going to be different about this adventure unless by conscious effort, with a receptiveness to learn. I contacted the YWAM base (Youth With A Mission is an international volunteer movement dedicated to knowing God and making Him known) in Puerto Rico to find out whether or not I could join them as a short-term volunteer. In the meantime I had made friends in San Juan, done the tourist thing, and was offered several jobs. One in particular was a tempting offer, but more than working, and more so even than paradise itself, I had an intense longing for truth. I wanted to know why I was doing these things. I was tired of ignoring the ache in my heart. Perhaps dissatisfaction is one of God's greatest gifts – because it pulls at our hearts, persuading us to desire something more, something we were designed for, something that is missing. All the while it impulses us to keep looking, to seek out the answers; and if we follow, it takes us straight to the heart of God Himself...

I moved to the YWAM base mid-March and have been here since. I am volunteering in the kitchen, cooking for the 50 or so people living on base. The structured environment was a little challenging to get used to at first, considering I had been very independent; but having made the conscious effort to stick it out, I've been pleasantly surprised... Although none of it was particularly easy, what unfolded over the next bit of time was much more than what I had bargained for...

I was desperate for answers. I prayed: I asked God to speak to me somehow and show me His way, or otherwise, leave me to determine my own course... God spoke to my heart, I paid Him my full attention, and He rocked my world! I realized that the reason my lifestyle had been so unsatisfying, though full of good things, was that I was living for myself. The deepest passions coursing through my being were self-gratification and enjoyment – ironically, the very things that eluded me as I tried so hard to obtain them. They were the motive behind my actions. Not to say that all of the things I did were bad in and of themselves, but the decisions were based on my feelings – making me my own god. Of course I did not consciously admit to that; I justified my actions according to my own interpretation of truth: that life was to be lived to the fullest, meaning in full pursuit of personal satisfaction, and in other words, completely selfish.

I didn't particularly want to consider the consequences of my actions and beliefs. In my mind, I was purposefully ignoring the inconsistency of my selfish choices with what I claimed to believe. I was trying to be content just living my way... until I hit that point when I had to pick a side... dissatisfaction had finally gotten to me. I came to a fork in the road, a place where my beliefs would have to match my actions, or one of them would have to change... That's integrity: when you do what you say – practice what you preach – when people aren't confused by the mixed messages you're sending... that's something I want for my life.

So I came to a place of decision: a choice to be made.

“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
and looked down one as far as I could...

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.”

(Robert Frost)

I battled back and forth between a desire to live life my way, enjoying it as best I could, and a desire to live according to what I believed was right and good. When those things coincide, it's not so difficult; but what of the times you must choose one or the other? We choose how we react, or respond, to any given situation. We have free will. True, others do things to me, and even around me – and these things impact me, some more deeply than others – but I have the choice of what I will do with it. The core values and passions that shape my life are chosen, whether intentionally or subconsciously. I am affected by my upbringing and by society, but I also have the power to choose – most of the time – regarding which things I will allow to influence me and which ones I will reject. I came to the realization that I was free to choose good or bad, free to choose myself or others, free to stay or go, to believe or not. Will I continue to live to please myself? Or will I be governed by God? I could not reason away the existence of a Creator. I could not nullify the moral law that is written on my heart. I could not ignore the answers that Jesus provided. And I could no longer deny God's authority over my life. Well, I suppose I could, but I choose not to. :)

So part of what has happened over the past two months is a realization of the power I have to choose, and the responsibility that coincides to be intentional with my beliefs and my actions. Another component of change in my life has been the recognition of my need for it. I became aware of a place in my heart that would not be satisfied by anyone or anything, except the One who put it there – Someone who designed a hole so He could fill it! God's existence leaves no room for me to determine my own laws, and life experience has shown me that selfishness is not the best way. I recognize that I have fallen short of the standards God set – His original and glorious design for our lives. I have been self-centered, and gone my own way, disobeying the law of God, violating the commandment to love. I have not loved God, and I have not loved others as I ought.

The good news is that there is an inexhaustible source of love – true love. Not love in the sense of “I love my boyfriend, I love my cat, I love my car, I love coffee”. That is “love” in the world of today: whatever makes you feel good. By love I mean a decision to commit to each other unconditionally; respect, forgiveness, selflessness. Seeking the best for the other person, regardless of what it might cost you. I know few people these days that truly love. Myself included, as I find I've done a lousy job. But I want that. I want to believe in something more than working hard, saving money, and spending it, too. I want my life to reach beyond myself, and beyond my immediate circle of friends and family. I want to know what it is to truly love, and then choose to do it. “If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything” – isn't that how the saying goes?

There is no one like Almighty God, Creator of the Universe, who was willing to sacrifice and serve, even to the point of death on a cross... He didn't have to die for me. He didn't have to provide forgiveness for humanity. He could have left us to the destruction of our own selfish ways – “may the strongest survive”! But He loved. He chose to pursue us, wanting us to return to Him, but not infringing on our freedom to decide. His intention has always been to invite us into an intimate relationship with Himself.

So then... right here in Puerto Rico is where I've chosen which side I will take. At this crossroads in life, my path has come to an end, and I choose God's way! I choose to serve God, to love God, to obey Him. I want Him to be my heart's true devotion: to live for, and even to die for. ”This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters (1 John 3:16).”

As a demonstration of the choice I've made, I got baptized May 3^rd. Baptism is an outward symbol of an internal choice. When someone is baptized, they are dead and buried as their old selves, and are “re-born” into new life, forgiven and covered by the precious blood of Jesus, God's Son. I have been ransomed; my freedom bought at a high price. I've been redeemed – and I will no longer turn my back on this amazing LOVE... I want it!

My Baptism in Humacao, Puerto Rico - May 3rd, 2011

YWAM friends, the pastor and his wife, Jonathan and I

That, my friends, is a glimpse of what has been going on in my life over these past few months... I will update sooner next time; I will post something about summer plans as soon as they're solidified. So far I plan a visit home to Bellingham, hopefully a stop in Florida with relatives, and a rendezvous in Cuba is a possibility. This time, to serve others, for the glory of God, and not my own! :)

Hugs to all; I miss you!

Stephanie Joy :)